One Day at a Time

I must apologize if my writing seems disjointed and rambling. There have been an abundance of challenges, experiences, setbacks, successes and journeys in the past few years; it is difficult to know where to begin or what to write about. Because my life seems to jump all over the place from one day to the next, this style of writing showcases my own conjectures of incohesive ordeals.

Traveling along this road has not been easy. There are good days. There are bad days. There are days in between. I can go from being extremely happy and excited about something to intensely hating myself within mere moments. These extremes create strains within the best of relationships: family, friends, spouses, etc. Relationships have a tendency to die sudden, painful deaths. To survive my depression and my BPD, I needed to address my inability to sustain healthy relationships and learn to live one day at a time.

How does someone like me build lasting relationships? I have to admit the true friendships I have cultivated in the past few years were built upon my being straight-forward and honest with each and every one of them, as well as with myself. It is entirely too easy to shut oneself down and push everyone away when the 'doom and gloom' hangs closely overhead; however, the feelings of isolation and loneliness only add to the depression and self-hatred, reinforcing the 'loser' syndrome (you deserve to be alone; you're not good enough; you shouldn't have friends anyway, because they'll only leave; etc.). Thus, I decided to search for people who were strong emotionally, who weren't afraid of a challenge and who wouldn't run at the first hint of 'trouble' and be completely open with them about my life.

Struggling along this part of my journey, I learned that very few people possess all three characteristics, but I preferred losing someone's respect at the beginning of the relationship before I had formed any deep emotional attachments to them. Though painful and difficult, I continued on my path of openness, searching for the elusive companions.

I made a shocking discovery along the way. The greatest supporter through these intense journeys is someone I never expected: my son. He is definitely the best kind of friend, because he loves me unconditionally and wants me to be successful. He's always been there for me and continuously encouraged me, sometimes just by his existence. For him, I would do anything to seek the balance my life was sadly lacking.

So, I did something I didn't think about until a couple of years ago: I gave my son permission to kick my ass.

What does that mean? It means that whenever a depression began to suck the life from me, he was allowed to become verbally involved. He has been extremely effective in this role (and I think he takes a bit of perverse pleasure in being able to tell mom what to do sometimes). Many people have criticized me for allowing my son to assume an often adult-like role, but I disagree. I am a single parent. My son is in a position to see me everyday and analyze my moods. He knows me very well, better than anyone else on this planet. Who better to kick my ass than the one person who has struggled along beside me his entire life? He wants my success as much as I do. He wants me to see myself the way he sees me. He is my cheerleader, my confidant, my friend, my son. My love for him has kept my determination alive for 15 years now.

Incredibly (to me, at least), I have also met a few genuine, trustworthy friends who know about my depression, about my BPD and still love me exactly as I am. Today I may wake up feeling alive and energetic and they share in those moments. Tomorrow I may wake up and pull the covers over my head, wanting only to stay there and never come out. Those are the days that I know I need only reach for my laptop or my phone and extend a cry of help to receive the support I need to make it through that one day, that one moment.

I cannot make this journey alone and succeed. I am not always strong enough. The friendships built on honesty have developed into respect and admiration. The foundation is strong today, tomorrow and always. I am not alone. I am not a loser. I am not unworthy. I am loved. I am determined. I will succeed.