People are often shocked to discover that I suffer chronic depression. Why? Because I hide it very well. Society, for some selfish reason, does not deem it 'normal' behaviour to suffer depression and so I found that I learned to hide behind my 'happy face'. To keep people from getting to know me too well, I learned to create jokes, often at my own expense, to avoid exposure to ridicule or rejection by being 'real'. People accept that my life must be perfect because I seem so happy... All the time. Doesn't that strike anyone as odd?
Lately, I have been wondering how I have learned to hide my depression so well from everyone. And then I came to the realization that I don't really hide it. I create a protective facade that people accept as genuine, because they WANT to believe it's true. I found myself pondering about what would happen if suddenly I became candid and dropped a hint or two about what was really going on beneath the surface. I have to admit though, I was very picky about whom I was honest with, mostly because I don't believe it's anyone's business to know something so personal about me, if they aren't someone truly important in my life.
I have found through my 'experimentation' of truthfulness that many people who seem to be happy have one thing or another going on in their personal lives they don't feel comfortable discussing with anyone. Thus, they suffer needlessly, because they truly don't know who to approach just to talk. My sincerity about my own life has led to many interesting discussions with others I have trusted with my very private self. I have learned that I love reaching out to others. It is cathartic for me to use my own experiences to show others they aren't alone. And that they are perfectly normal. Yes, NORMAL.
It is perfectly normal to feel depression in your lifetime and it is healthy to seek professional help to obtain a balance within your own life. There is no reason to suffer in silence or to feel fear regarding discovery.
So why would people rather suffer in silence? What are they afraid of? In my opinion, they are apprehensive of many things, but I believe that one main fear holds people back from accepting depression as a normal phase or illness: rejection. Being rejected by family or friends, those people who supposedly love you no matter what, can create immeasurable pain leading people to believe it's better to suffer in silence. WRONG!!!
What many people don't realize is that there are professionally trained people willing and able to assist others with life's issues. I do understand, having spoken to a number of people, that I have been extremely lucky with my family doctor and my psychologist. Both of them admittedly went beyond what I expected either of them to do for me; they cared enough to build a lasting relationship with me to ensure I had the best support possible. That wasn't true originally. I have seen a few psychologists and doctors over time, but these two have made a colossal impact in my life.
I saw my psychologist for about 1.5 years twice a week to learn to live a life of mindfulness. I learned new ways of dealing with a depressive episode that not only shortened the length of time and lessened the severity I suffered, but also opened my eyes to the symptoms so I could understand when I was falling into an episode. I have reopened my file a couple of times since then, but I always returned to the path she encouraged me to discover.
My doctor is another special person in my life. He has been seeing me regularly every three months for the last seven years of my life. I was expected to share how I was doing with him whenever I went in to renew my prescription, which he only supplied for three months at a time. This ensured I had someone outside of my family and friends I knew I could trust without the fear of rejection. Happily, I have been doing well enough that my sessions have just been scheduled for every six months. I have been making enormous progress with the help of people who care.
I believe that suffering through chronic depression has taught me many things. I can appreciate and empathize when others come to me with the need to talk. I can use my own experiences to show others what I have accomplished and that a better life is possible for anyone who wants it. I can be an open-minded, neutral person for people to unburden themselves with. I can be a normal person behind the happy face.
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