Mindfulness Creates Awareness

I took that first step leading into the dark, dimly lit tunnel: admitting I need help. I can assure you that this was definitely the hardest step for me to take, not that any of the rest of them have been easy. However, admitting that you suffer depression and have BDP takes a lot of personal strength, a strength most people don't necessarily possess. The stigma attached with both illnesses is extremely negative in society, creating the avoidance factor: if i don't recognize my illnesses, I don't actually have them. So untrue and so unfair to you and those you care about!

My next step in this beginning phase of my life was to re-visit my family doctor, whom originally diagnosed me with BPD. I needed to find out from him what I could do to find a cure or at least to determine how best to effectively manage my illnesses. That initial visit resulted in several outcomes for me: I was referred to my local mental health association for free counseling; I set up quarterly visits with my doctor to discuss my progress, which I have continued over the past several years; I received a new medication in an attempt to better balance my moods (and I'm happy to say that I've gone from the highest level dosage to the lowest in four years).

I began seeing my psychologist twice a week for several months, going over all of my history and how best to approach the BPD, which was my biggest concern. In that time frame, I came to know the deepest parts of myself, pulling pieces together to form a new image of me in my head. I have honestly felt an identity crisis most of my life, trying to understand who I really am and what I really want from life, flipping back and forth between extreme highs and despairing lows. These sessions have helped me put myself into a whole new prospective, so I began to seek ways to further the progress I was making.

One word stood out continuously with each session and I knew I had to look deeper into it: mindfulness.

Mindfulness was derived from Buddhist meditation and involves conscious awareness of one's current thoughts, feelings, and surroundings, which can result in metacognitive skills for controlling concentration. It's a kind of nonelaborative, nonjudgmental, present-centered awareness in which each thought, feeling, or sensation that arises in the attentional field is acknowledged and accepted as it is. Confusing? Not really, once you understand it. In layman's terms, mindfulness is the practice of simplifying your life into living within the present moment.

In the instance of my life, someone who suffers from chronic depression, mindfulness-based cognitive therapy is the typical treatment. It is not necessarily a cure, but it is a lifestyle, one that I've adopted with staggering results (less frequent and less severe depressive segments in my life and the strength to reach out to others for help when needed). Because I was also diagnosed with BPD, I was introduced to a psychosocial treatment called Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), which incorporates mindfulness as a core exercise into my daily life.

This was a great deal of information that left my head whirling in a jumbled mass of uncertainty and confusion.

I had no idea where to start or how to incorporate all of this new information into my life, so I did what I always do when I have no idea what to do: I looked for a book. The book I found, "Zen Keys", was written by whom I definitely consider my favorite author: Thich Nhat Hanh, a Vietnamese Buddhist monk. Through my readings, I discovered Zen Buddhism, which teaches the need to be mindful of peace in every moment. I have found that Hanh's philosophies brought a strength and understanding to my life with realistic goals of peace I can obtain over time with continued practice.

Though you may not be interested in practicing Zen Buddhism (I admit that I practice mindfulness and believe in Zen, but I am not a Buddhist), I highly recommend this book, because of its clear, concise simplicity in regards to living your life in the present moment. The teachings I discovered through "Zen Keys" has gone a long way in helping me further my travels along the path of this dimly lit tunnel. That pinprick of light is slowly becoming brighter as one foot falls in front of the other. I am constantly repeating to myself only one thought with each of those steps taken: be mindful of what you are doing, thinking, feeling and saying and you become aware of patterns that can be changed.

I am a hero. I am determined. I am mindful. I will prevail.

A Determined Hero

So, here I am at the beginning of a very long and dimly lit tunnel. If I squint, I think I see a pinprick of light somewhere in the distance, but that could be the small amount of hope I have allowed myself to feel. If only I could put one foot in front of the other, this journey would start.

But, I hesitate.

What's really waiting at the end? Is it what I am hoping for: the light to illuminate the darkness? Is that a faint flicker at the end of the tunnel or am I getting lost in an illusion of an unattainable goal? I sigh and close my eyes. Remember. What did that 11-year-old boy say to me that day he came home from school?

"Mom. Today we were talking about heroes. We are learning about Terry Fox." My son stares earnestly into my eyes. "The teacher went around the room asking us who our hero was. Since I was in the middle of the room, I heard everyone say things like Terry Fox or a hockey player or someone famous."

I smiled vacantly at my son. His favorite hockey player was Brodeur. I rather thought that's who he would have chosen to mention, but he surprised me.

"When it was my turn, guess who I said?" he asked eagerly. "Brodeur," I automatically replied.

He frowned fiercely at me. "No! I said my mom was my hero," he responded. "But then everyone else after me started saying things like that, too. They are such copycats!" I heard the annoyance in his voice.

I was unaware that my mouth had fallen open in shock until I realized I was suddenly paying very close attention to him. What was he talking about? How could I be his hero? What have I ever done in my life that would warrant my son describing me to his entire grade six class as his hero? I quickly scanned that life full of abuse, near-poverty, and depression. Nope. Nothing there that I could see.

"Why did you say that I was your hero?" I asked softly, trying to understand his thinking. He rolled his eyes in a way that clearly suggested I should know the answer to that. "Because you're determined, mom," came the response, as if that was supposed to explain everything. "You never give up, no matter what happens to you."

I felt tears well in my eyes. This precious boy thought that I was a hero. Unable to speak, I reached out and squished him close against me, kissing his forehead.

I open my eyes and stare into that uninviting tunnel. One step and the journey begins. Focus on that boy's revelation. I am a hero. I am determined.

I take that first step. And it begins.

Journey from the Dark Side

I hear writing is cathartic, or so my closest friends keep telling me. As a writer myself, you'd think I'd be aware of that; however, I don't write for pleasure or even for myself. I write for others, expressing their wishes and producing their content. So here I am, wondering where to start and how to write about those demons that demand release from my aching, often hollow soul.

I suppose I could start at the beginning, but that seems like so long ago. I could start where I am now, but that doesn't seem plausible to me either. Perhaps I should start where my life may have actually begun. As I purge, I am sure you will come to understand what I mean.

I suffer from what is known as chronic depression. Experts are unsure of what causes it and there is no known cure. Chronic depression is long-lasting, interferes with daily activities, and causes a loss of interest in things that were normally pleasurable to the one affected. But that isn't actually where my life started.

Four years ago, I was diagnosed as having Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). BPD is described as a prolonged disturbance of personality function in a person, characterized by depth and variability of moods. It typically involves unusual levels of instability in mood (black and white thinking), chaotic and unstable interpersonal relationships, self-image, identity and behavior and a disturbance in the individual's sense of self. Fortunately, I was considered a mild case.

Unfortunately, it cost me my marriage of two years, one year after the birth of our daughter. Someone who promised to love me and cherish me through sickness and in health scrambled for the door the moment he heard what kind of person I had just been labeled and my dark reality became a midnight nightmare.

Why do I say this is when my life began? It's simple, at least in my mind. The moment the door shut behind my departing spouse was the moment I vowed I would take charge of my life and find a way to cure myself. Have I succeeded? Not yet and maybe I never will. But I have found ways to deal with the depressions I suffer and to work through the darkness my life becomes on the 'bad days', while cherishing the 'good days' and making the most of them. Through my four year journey, I have met the most incredible people who have offered to walk by my side along my paths of good and bad. Those treasured friends give me hope, they give me love, and, most of all, they accept me as I am. So how can I not learn to accept myself during my enlightening travels? It is a challenge I face everyday and one I dare to take on.

Walk with me on my journey. Learn that depression is more common than most people believe. Know that you are not alone. Discover ways that could help you in your journey from the dark side into the light of acceptance. I look forward to our travels.