I took that first step leading into the dark, dimly lit tunnel: admitting I need help. I can assure you that this was definitely the hardest step for me to take, not that any of the rest of them have been easy. However, admitting that you suffer depression and have BDP takes a lot of personal strength, a strength most people don't necessarily possess. The stigma attached with both illnesses is extremely negative in society, creating the avoidance factor: if i don't recognize my illnesses, I don't actually have them. So untrue and so unfair to you and those you care about!
My next step in this beginning phase of my life was to re-visit my family doctor, whom originally diagnosed me with BPD. I needed to find out from him what I could do to find a cure or at least to determine how best to effectively manage my illnesses. That initial visit resulted in several outcomes for me: I was referred to my local mental health association for free counseling; I set up quarterly visits with my doctor to discuss my progress, which I have continued over the past several years; I received a new medication in an attempt to better balance my moods (and I'm happy to say that I've gone from the highest level dosage to the lowest in four years).
I began seeing my psychologist twice a week for several months, going over all of my history and how best to approach the BPD, which was my biggest concern. In that time frame, I came to know the deepest parts of myself, pulling pieces together to form a new image of me in my head. I have honestly felt an identity crisis most of my life, trying to understand who I really am and what I really want from life, flipping back and forth between extreme highs and despairing lows. These sessions have helped me put myself into a whole new prospective, so I began to seek ways to further the progress I was making.
One word stood out continuously with each session and I knew I had to look deeper into it: mindfulness.
Mindfulness was derived from Buddhist meditation and involves conscious awareness of one's current thoughts, feelings, and surroundings, which can result in metacognitive skills for controlling concentration. It's a kind of nonelaborative, nonjudgmental, present-centered awareness in which each thought, feeling, or sensation that arises in the attentional field is acknowledged and accepted as it is. Confusing? Not really, once you understand it. In layman's terms, mindfulness is the practice of simplifying your life into living within the present moment.
In the instance of my life, someone who suffers from chronic depression, mindfulness-based cognitive therapy is the typical treatment. It is not necessarily a cure, but it is a lifestyle, one that I've adopted with staggering results (less frequent and less severe depressive segments in my life and the strength to reach out to others for help when needed). Because I was also diagnosed with BPD, I was introduced to a psychosocial treatment called Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), which incorporates mindfulness as a core exercise into my daily life.
This was a great deal of information that left my head whirling in a jumbled mass of uncertainty and confusion.
I had no idea where to start or how to incorporate all of this new information into my life, so I did what I always do when I have no idea what to do: I looked for a book. The book I found, "Zen Keys", was written by whom I definitely consider my favorite author: Thich Nhat Hanh, a Vietnamese Buddhist monk. Through my readings, I discovered Zen Buddhism, which teaches the need to be mindful of peace in every moment. I have found that Hanh's philosophies brought a strength and understanding to my life with realistic goals of peace I can obtain over time with continued practice.
Though you may not be interested in practicing Zen Buddhism (I admit that I practice mindfulness and believe in Zen, but I am not a Buddhist), I highly recommend this book, because of its clear, concise simplicity in regards to living your life in the present moment. The teachings I discovered through "Zen Keys" has gone a long way in helping me further my travels along the path of this dimly lit tunnel. That pinprick of light is slowly becoming brighter as one foot falls in front of the other. I am constantly repeating to myself only one thought with each of those steps taken: be mindful of what you are doing, thinking, feeling and saying and you become aware of patterns that can be changed.
I am a hero. I am determined. I am mindful. I will prevail.
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