Cohesive Chaos

Bubbling chaos. Impending implosion. Shatters. Millions of shards. Fragmented. Confused. All consuming darkness. Bleak. Uncaring. Alone. Nothing.

Focus. Struggle. Pick up the pieces. Adhesive. Fragile. Reaching. Grasping. Pinpricks of light. Determined. Moment by moment. Breath by breath. One step in front of the other. Night turns to day. Inhale. Freedom.

I stare at myself, silently observing. Turning my head one way and then another. Considering. Pondering. Wondering. I cannot understand what others see when they look at me. Does my mirror lie? Does my mind deceive me? These fragmented pieces, held precariously together only by determination, serve to remind me of the battles fought, some resounding victories, others narrow escapes. I bear my wounds with pride and shame, the war inside me continuously raging. The white flag of surrender aching to be waved in sullen defeat, rests within reach, mocking, compelling. I cannot raise it. I will not give in.

I peer harder into the mirror. Those eyes stare back, revealing nothing, the turmoil hidden deeply behind them. Shuttered. Locked. I open my mouth to scream, the sound lost long before it hits my throat. Sweat beads. Breathing quickens. Clothing dampens. Body aches. Mind shrieks. Numbness. Panic. Clawing. Gasping. Flailing. Falling. Alone. Blackness.

Inhale. Breathe. Slowly. Deeply. Focus. Pick up the pieces. One foot in front of the other. I am determined. I will prevail.